


brown skin girl

by Cywolf



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack Pairing, F/M, Humor, Tenten is Salty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:28:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26500648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cywolf/pseuds/Cywolf
Summary: When confronted with a Konoha-nin who would not agree to be slotted into either the 'kill' or 'avoid' category, Itachi found himself at an utter loss for words.A completely unserious Itachi/Tenten crack!pairing oneshot.
Relationships: Tenten/Uchiha Itachi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	brown skin girl

**Author's Note:**

> Request from **namistai8** and credit goes to her for the last line. And of course to **tealeavesgreen** , who wrote THE ItaTen fic. Which is sadly no longer to be found online. If someone has a copy could they send it over? 
> 
> Fic originally posted Oct. 13, 2007.

_she knows a way, a spiritual flow, of making me dizzy like vertigo  
her cinnamon kisses melt my soul like fire, yeah _

\- Santana

* * *

  
Whenever Uchiha Itachi ran into a Konoha-nin, one of two things would happen: he would either kill the ninja in question, or he would go past them so silently and so quickly they would never even know he was there. Despite popular opinion, the latter occurred more often than the former; it was not a question of strength but of convenience, as disposing of bodies and dealing with alarmed/worried/homicidal, vengeance-driven Konoha-nin later sent out took up time. And if he did have to kill, he did it as quickly as possible.

It was a very simple response pattern, either way, requiring minimal social input from him. Kill or avoid - very little talking was involved. Very little talking was required in most areas of his life, actually. Which could be why when confronted with a Konoha-nin who would not agree to be slotted into either the 'kill' or 'avoid' category, he found himself at an utter loss for words.

It was the weapons-specialist from the new crop of ninjas, he recalled vaguely - he regarded everyone who had not been ranked before he left as 'the new crop' - the girl from Team Gai, the one Kisame complained about. Because they had actually been able to defeat Kisame - even in clone-form - Itachi had taken it upon himself to look them up. This one trained, if he recalled, with the little Hyuuga. And she had an absolute fetish for blades.

And, it seemed, for him.

It had not been planned, obviously. The girl had been on the road, he'd been on the road - he wasn't in the tell-tale Akatsuki cloak, but in something very similar in cut and covering, if more formless. His hat had been tilted over his face. He had not made eye contact, talked, or tensed.

So when she stopped, stared at him, and then said in a wondering tone of voice, "You're Uchiha Itachi," he'd wondered why. He had walked past hundreds of Konoha-nin without them being any the wiser, and he'd been using a mild genjutsu to shunt attention away from him. How had she...

He'd been curiously reluctant to kill her. He told himself it was because it was Kisame's kill - his blue-skinned partner's main joy in life nowadays seemed to be plotting vengeance against the whole of Team Gai. And so he'd been about to flash away when she'd asked a question that stopped him dead in his tracks.

"...want to sleep with me?"

* * *

  
He didn't remember very much after that. He hoped he hadn't stammered. He'd stared, he knew. But he didn't remember very much until the astonishingly self-confident girl was pushing him down onto a cheap hotel-bed, ripping the mesh-shirt he wore underneath his cloak off with the help of a kunai. And then he remembered a lot, but not in any sort of recognizable order.

It was curious that no one had ever thought about it, but then again that may have simply been because no one really thought of Uchiha Itachi as experiencing the same problems and desires as a _normal_ person. No one really thought about the fact that he'd left Konoha at the age of thirteen, just entering puberty. No one really thought what it meant for a boy entering manhood to have exactly zero chance of running into desirable females. (Who were not slated for assassination or not already connected to missing-nin who were stronger than him)

"...why?" he asked later, his first (rational) word to her. (The cries of lust did not count).

"Well," Tenten answered seriously, considering the question with due gravity as she lay with her head on his pale chest. Unconsciously her fingers gently stroked the outlines of his abdominal muscles, more curious than desiring - still, Itachi felt himself quiver. "...I guess it's because you're hot."

Itachi considered this answer. It was acceptable, he decided, and told her so. The fact that her hand had journeyed southwards and was now wrapped around him, stroking and squeezing, did _not_ have the slightest effect on his decision-making capabilities, _really_ it didn't.

* * *

  
They did not exactly arrange the next rendezvous, but when Kisame told him in a grumpy tone that "that damn idiot and his team" had been sighted nearby, Itachi somehow found himself in their vicinity. And Tenten somehow knew he was there.

And they somehow ended up in another hotel room.

Their next few encounters followed this pattern. The Akatsuki began to notice a mellower Itachi; Deidara, who had meant it as a joke, said that someone had finally "fucked that stick out of Itachi-san's ass, un." Itachi then coolly hit him with Tsukiyomi. The Leader had ordered no even marginally lethal attack on fellow Akatsuki. Unfortunately (for others) that meant, for Itachi, using genjutsu to cook up fates worse than death.

Everyone had ignored the twitching, occasionally screaming Deidara, even his own partner, considering him deserving after that crude joke.

No one thought - not even Deidara - that he had actually hit upon the truth.

* * *

  
Because he was a genius, he got better. The first time, he'd been a virgin - possessed of natural talent, of course, but still inexperienced. That was manifestly not the case _now_. He got so good that Tenten, laying dazed and utterly sated underneath him in aftermath, somewhat sleepily gave him details that she might not have in her usual state of mind.

She'd been depressed, she said, _that_ day. Because she was a virgin, she wasn't getting any of the really juicy missions. Some misplaced sense of mercy in Shizune - the Hokage, she was sure, did not care and was too drunk most of the time to even notice (a fallen idol was capable of drawing more bitterness than any commonplace disappointment) - made her keep Tenten away from missions where she might be exposed to things too horrible for her virgin eyes.

Why, Tenten had demanded of Itachi, who only blinked in confusion, why should she be denied a chance at career advancement just because her contemporaries were boy-chasing sluts? So she had decided to 'get rid' of this 'career impediment' - unfortunately no one in the Village satisfied her criteria for relieving herself of her inconvenient virginity. It was inconvenient but she wasn't _desperate_. So she had seen Itachi, she had decided there was no benefit in letting him walk off, and she had known there was no way in hell she was defeating him.

So, she decided to sleep with him. He did fit all of her criteria, after all, of which 'being loyal to the Village' did not seem to be one.

And he was so good, she assured him, that she had discovered there _was_ a reason her peers kept hopping into each other's beds (Itachi had then assured her he was much better than any chuunin Konoha boy) and decided to do it with him again. And again. And again and again and again...

At that point they had done it again.

* * *

  
At another time, when Tenten was in a similar state of utter, boneless relaxation, he had asked another question. It had been bothering him for a while - and the fact that it was bothering him also bothered him.

"Why haven't you slept with your teammate?"

"Lee?" Tenten had yawned, able to project disbelief even through the sleepy-hazy quality of her voice. "He's too much like a brother..."

"No, not him. The Hyuuga brat."

"Oh him?" Tenten stretched deliciously, and Itachi's red-eyed gaze averted downwards. He was still listening intently though. "...he's gay." (1)

Itachi considered this. Well, that was an unexpected piece of intelligence. Then he got distracted by another stretching maneuver of Tenten's and tucked the data away for future use.

* * *

  
Kisame found out, unexpectedly, when his stalking of Team Gai and Itachi's stalking of Tenten coincided. His outburst of laughter had pricked Itachi to fury and they'd raged together in an unusual battle of pure taijutsu - Itachi too fast to let Kisame at his sword, and too angry to settle for anything but his fists.

Kisame then pointed out that prior to his 'sleeping with the little bomb-maniac', Itachi would never have allowed Kisame to discomfit him so.

"You're a man, now, Itachi!" he told him cheefully through a busted lip. "Now I can _finally_ take you drinking. Thank the gods."

* * *

  
Itachi, it was discovered, was not a genius at holding his drink.

"...an'...an'...she only likes me for my body," he complained to Kisame, who made sympathetic sounds as he hid his grin in drink.

* * *

  
(1) Not to say that Tenten is _correct._

**Author's Note:**

> It's funny to consider that, at the time of writing, I was so torn because I didn't want to make Itachi seem like he was secretly good, because that would be too cliche. As far as I knew at the time, Itachi was really straight up Evil. 
> 
> Shows what I knew!


End file.
